You know your a mom when......

*You are sitting in a chair and realize that you would pay someone $5000 to go to the bathroom for you and bring you a cup of coffee. 

*Poop is an acceptable dinner subject

*You pride yourself in being able to eat salad without dropping anything on baby's head 

*You are standing in your kitchen alone, swaying to comfort an invisible baby, and shove the remaining 1/4 of a PBJ into your mouth so you will be able to finish it and also pee before the cries escalate from level 1 to LEVEL 4!! 

*You absentmindedly call your husband "buddy" and refuse to apologize for it

*You have not been on time for anything in 3 months and stopped caring 2 months ago

*The only penis you have seen in months has been in a diaper and you kinda don't mind

*Any day you have not gotten pooped/peed on is a great day 

*Any day where you have accomplished 2 of the 10 things on your list is a great day

*It is 3:00 in the afternoon and you realized you have not looked in the mirror all day, let alone brushed your hair. Showering is something you may have done yesterday, you can't quite remember.

*You typed this entire thing with one hand while feeding baby with the other

"You will pick a baby's booger, wash your hand and think nothing about it!"

-before you were a mommy you wondered how people could let their babies/toddlers cry in public....now you chalk it up to growth spurts, hunger, dirty diaper or a missed nap. -you use to drive 80mph minimum on the highway now pushing 70mph seems a bit fast. -using your feet to open cabnets, grab laundry off the floor or what ever else you need to do while carrying around an infant who is dead asleep is second nature. -you never realized a smile could make you heart burst with excitment until now. -you've learned that advise by others should be taken lightly. -your life revolves around naptime, lunch time, snack time, bed time and play time...what happened to prime time??? - You & your partner carry a conversation in a soft voice not to wake the baby up - People stop asking about your personal life and asking you out, and when they ask you something it often begins with a "So how's that baby  ___________" - You know all the diaper, formula and bottle brands - You have the ability to wake up, prepare a bottle and feed the baby with your eyes closed  - You catch spit up with your hand/body rather than have it hit the couch,baby's outfit, etc and barely bat an eye - Taking a nice slow shower; shaved legs, brushed teeth and dry hair sounds extravagant   -when you pick up your baby and sniff his butt to see if he/she has pooped (and yeah, i do this in public too